Satisfied to Submit

Submission was always a hard word for me to swallow being that my whole life I was encouraged to be independent and rely on myself for my financial needs. I worked hard to earn multiple degrees and be the top of my field. I took great pride in speaking at national conferences teaching others about the newest and best therapeutic techniques for the disabled. I enjoyed people praising me for all the good I was doing in my field and for having such a special heart to work with the mentally handicapped. I found myself being very good at showing those around me I was giving back to the world in a meaningful way making me a 'good person'. No one doubted my heart and most would say I was a kind and giving person.

I have claimed to be a Christian since I was around 8 years old when I was baptized and made my statement of faith in front of my childhood church. I loved going to church, hanging out with my church friends, and being involved in church activities. Even though I had attended church all through highschool, once I got to college I found it much more convenient to not be apart of church and instead enjoyed sleeping in on Sundays and catching up on homework. By the time I graduated from college my lifestyle was not lining up with the faith I was proclaiming. Nothing about my life set me apart and by looking at my lifestyle one would say I fit right in with my secular peers.

It wasn't until my first year of marriage that I became aware of my naturally selfish desires and my aversion to submitting to my husband's authority. Due to financial problems in our marriage I began refusing to submit to someone who I thought was making poor decisions for our family. I found myself in a loveless marriage resenting my husband for leading us to our financial doom. I couldn't figure out what had gone so wrong and of course assumed the problem was not with me but with my husband. I started seeking answers through books (Sacred Marriage and Love and Respect) and of course calling out to God to fix all my problems. This early step in the direction of repentance led me to realize the importance of submitting to my husband and learning to be selfless in my actions towards him. By just following two small commands in the bible my marriage began to heal. I was still a long way from understanding true biblical submission but this was my first baby step towards a different way of living.

A couple years into my marriage my husband and I were involved in our own ministry in Mexicali, Mexico. We were involved with getting a therapy clinic built for the mentally and physically handicapped population in Mexicali. Our financial problems were no more and I found my self living a pretty comfortable life. I was working the job I wanted, living where I wanted, doing all the activities I wanted and as a bonus I had my own philanthropic work on the side. By society's view I was living the best life I could yet there was still something missing for me. My husband and I, even though we were professing Christians, were not plugged into a church. We used the excuse of our ministry in Mexico coupled with the inability to find a good church in LA to keep us home and sleeping in on Sundays. I was continually filling my life with the next thing: the next big trip, the next movie, the next new restaurant to try, the next social event. Finally, when I ran out of things to do (I know this sounds awful but what do you expect from an unrepentant sinner) I decided it was time to have a baby. With my husband not fully on board, I got pregnant 5 years into our marriage.

Like most women, I had bought into the lie that I could have it all and according to my list the only thing I did not have was a baby. Of course I was convinced I could keep the life I was living, continue doing the job I loved, and balance a baby somewhere in there. My rude awakening came in February 2010, with the birth of Claire Elizabeth Kruis. My first few months of motherhood could be summed up in a two words, 'pity party'. I quickly realized that I could no longer live my life for me and honestly I regretted that. I remember lamenting the fact that in my new life I had been demoted to a 'milk machine' who spent all day changing dirty diapers. I cringe to think of my extreme selfishness with my first child and how we both lost out on wonderful bonding time due to my sin.

Even though I had an extremely selfish attitude with Claire, God still used my sweet baby girl to ultimately draw me to Him. After a 6 month maternity leave (yes, you can get away with that being employed as a teacher in California) I returned to work to find out that I would no longer be raising my child. I was blessed to have my sister-in-law take care of Claire but I quickly realized that I was spending an average of 3-4 hours a day with Claire due to my work schedule. I found myself being jealous of all the time my sister was able to spend with Claire when I was the mother who should be cashing in on all those moments. Around that time my husband's job was transitioning and we were looking at different options for our financial future. We decided that with my new desire to stay home with Claire and a transitioning job for my husband that it would be best if we moved to state where we could afford to live off one income. As painful as it was to pack up my life, I was willing to leave so I could be home with Claire.

I was blessed to have an older brother who was already planning a move to Texas with his wife. He had invited us to stay with them until we got our feet on the ground. This was what we needed to make the transition so in October, 2010 we moved to Fort Worth, Texas without jobs and living with my brother. Jason was convinced he would find a job immediately but after months went by without any results we began to wonder what we were going to do. Little did I know that God was drawing my husband to Him during this time. By continuing to eliminate pride and humble my husband God was creating the perfect storm to bring Jason to his knees before our awesome creator. The straw that broke the camel's back in this case was finding out we were pregnant with our second child. Gracie was a complete surprise that in our mind came at the worst time, we were living off my brother's charity and were unemployed. Praise God that we are completely out of control of our lives and that it is His purpose that will always stand and not ours (Proverbs 19:21).

Starting sometime early 2011, I began to realize a drastic change in my husband. He started getting up before me (which really never happened during our marriage) and spending time in God's word. Not only that but he started helping out more around the house. I still remember the first time he asked if he could change Claire's dirty diaper for me. I think I just stared at him with a blank look for a few seconds. He started asking me unusual questions like, 'Is there anything I can do for you today?', 'What chores need to be done around here that I can get started on?'. Of course I had the normal response, I looked at him suspiciously and wondered what he was buttering me up for. What was he trying to prove? Why was he going out of his way to make me feel inadequate with his 'holier than thou' attitude? Instead of asking him about his new behavior I pridefully thought, 'two can play at this game' and I began getting up the same time he did to spend time doing devotionals and reading the bible. I had obviously forgotten the verses in Hebrews 4:12-13 about "the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account." I started reading through Proverbs and realizing how short I was falling on almost everything. I quickly saw that I had been living the life of the fool in Proverbs and was far from the wise man described in its verses. For the first time in my life I started to see my blatant struggle with sin.

Around this time, my husband started sharing more with me about what was happening to him and that for the first time in his life he was beginning to see he had falsely been claiming he was a believer. That realization sent me whirling because if he was questioning his faith what did that say about me? But wait, we grew up in Christian homes, we went to church, we did the altar call and were baptized. Didn't that mean we had a free ticket to heaven? I professed that Jesus was the son of God and because I knew this I was saved. I had not come across the verse yet in James 2:19, 'Even the demons believe-and shudder!' I had always been taught that salvation was my choice, I was the one who decided to 'knock on the door' and it was my decision to say 'yes I believe in Jesus and he died for my sins'. My husband at this point had me read through Romans, especially chapter 9. He gently pointed out that it is through God's grace that we are saved. I started reading through the New Testament and writing out all the verses that could support his statement. What I found was that it is all over the New Testament, I ran out of room in my little notebook because there were too many verses showing me that my salvation was never up to me (Ephesians 1:3-14, Romans 8:29, 9:11-23, John 1:12, 6:37, 64-65, 13:18, 15:16, Acts 13:48, Luke 11:28, etc). Nancy Leigh DeMoss says it this way, "We do not receive this forgiveness and this right standing before a holy God by being born into a Christian home, growing up in the church, being baptized or confirmed, doing good deeds, going forward during an altar call, having an emotional experience, reciting a prayer, or being active in church. We are not saved from sin by trusting in anything we have done." God choses to draw me to Him and it was never about me finding God on my own.

I started examining my life and realized that even though I had professed Christianity I had never truly submitted to Christ and His word. I said I believed and then went on living life the way I wanted to. I only called out to God when life wasn't going the way I wanted it to, 'help me pass this test', 'help me get better from this illness', 'help me not to get nervous before my presentation', 'give my husband a good paying job', 'help us afford to buy a nice house', etc. I was using God like my personal genie and when some of these selfish prayers were answered it just confirmed to me in my mind that I was saved because He wouldn't have answered these prayers in the way that I wanted if I wasn't one of his children. How sorely mistaken I was!

Submitting to Christ and His word was very new to me, even though I thought I had been doing it all my life. When I read through the gospel of John I was struck by the number of times Jesus tells us how to show him we truly love him...by following his commandments (John 14:15, 21, 23-24, 15:7, 1 John 2:15-17, 5:2-3). All this time I had been claiming to love Jesus while keeping only a fraction of his commandments. What I didn't realize was how HARD it is to keep all of his commandments. I'm not talking about the 'do not murder' or 'commit adultery' commandments but those that Jesus gave such as, being patient, not becoming angry, not being easily irritated, not being prideful, not being selfish, serving others and always coming last. If those weren't hard enough add in not worrying, not complaining, not being fearful, not being critical, and having joy in all your circumstances. The harsh reality is that if I am not obeying the law set out in the bible then I am sinning (1 John 3:4). This hit me like a ton of bricks, I had always considered the above list more in terms of personal weaknesses or traits of my personality but never sin.

Once I realized the impossibility of keeping all of these commandments on my own I was struck by the beauty of God's grace to us. We will never accomplish these on our own because we are sinful by nature but through Christ he promises to give us all the grace we need to accomplish his will so that he is glorified. Once I understood this I was able to come before my God and repent of my daily sins knowing he would forgive me and help me try again to overcome my sins. This ongoing process of recognizing sin in my life and repenting of it was the beginning of my progressive sanctification. Even though it feels like at times that I will never be rid of the sin that plagues me I can look back and see where there has been improvement. By abiding in the word and trying to identify sin I started to see spiritual growth for the first time in my life. Even though it is hard we have to strive to be holy because that is what God asks of us (1 Peter 1:16). With as many times as I fail and as hard as it is to love God by keeping all his commandments I began to understand why the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life (Matthew 7:14). I cling constantly to the promise that God's grace is sufficient for me and that he will give me all I need to pursue godliness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

As I began to submit to scripture I began to see the value and holiness of the bible. I always knew the bible was important but I never desired to spend time reading it. When I finally sat down to read the bible I started noticing all the verses that describe the value, perfection, and holiness of God's word. It is the living word of God that will never fail to give us everything we need to live our lives to God's glory (Psalm 19, Romans 15:4, Hebrew 4:12, Deuteronomy 29:29, 2 Timothy 3:16-17, Proverbs 30:5). I started seeing scripture as precious and finally desiring to read the bible daily. Devotions had usually been a chore for me in the past and was easily replaced or avoided due to my busy schedule. As a believer I found I was eager to sit down and spend time reading the bible and made it a priority above my busy schedule. Not only was I starting to desire God's word but I found myself no longer wanting to read books I used to read, watch TV shows and movies I used to watch, and engage in conversations that were not God glorifying.

As I started submitting more and more to the bible I started noticing freedom from sins that had kept me in bondage for many years and with this freedom came joy and happiness in my life. My husband and I found a church and a church family for the first time in our married life. We started attending Calvary Bible Church in March 2011 and by August we became active members in our church. I was no longer walking alone in my faith but had a body of believers to support, encourage, and even rebuke me all in order to keep me walking the narrow path of Christianity. I started rejoicing in my privilege to keep my home and take care of my husband and children. Rejoicing in the hard work that God had given me in my life and serving the community of believers with my time and skills. I started trying to serve others without thinking about how I would get glory or recognition for my good deeds but instead hoping that only God was given the glory. My parenting has changed and my language and entertainment choices have drastically changed. I have also been experiencing freedom from the stress and worry that plagued my past life. Not to say that I do not struggle with these things but they are not ruling my life the way they used to.

I rejoice that God has decided to remove my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh (Ez 11:19). I am so undeserving of God's grace and so grateful that God loved me enough to send his only son to die for my sins and wash me clean that I may stand before my holy God on the day of judgment and be seen as Christ, without sin. In my new life I am definitely satisfied to submit to my Lord and savior!